I’ll Love Myself When…
Men usually come to this work because they would like to be better. They have noticed or been made aware of their reactivity, defensiveness, anger, fear, etc. So they decide they want to grow. They decide they want to heal. And to become more conscious of their behaviors and how they affect those who love them and the world.
So they set their sights on a future version of themselves that is less reactive, more patient, and more regulated. This future version doesn’t get pulled into conflict, doesn’t get frustrated with their partner or their kids, and can remain grounded no matter what is happening around them.
On the surface, that sounds pretty good. But underneath it, something else is happening. Namely, they have created a spiritually acceptable reason to reject themselves in the present.
The subconscious message on their “healing journey” becomes: “I’ll love myself when I’m better. When I don’t get triggered. When I no longer experience so much resentment, grief, or rage.”
This causes self-love and acceptance to be deferred, and the present moment to be sacrificed for some future ideal. This kind of “healing” is made up of finish lines and internal report cards. It keeps them in a constant state of becoming, but never arrives anywhere. There is always another reaction to calm, another pattern to outgrow, or another layer of their ego to dismantle before any self-compassion can be available.
The goals in this future-oriented framework become moral achievements instead of what they actually are: built capacities. If you feel hurt, you weren’t conscious enough. If you feel angry, you didn’t regulate enough. If you feel needy, you haven’t healed enough yet.
This thinking doesn’t free us from our suffering. It just teaches us to name it faster, and then shame ourselves for it. And in the process, it pulls us out of the present moment and takes away the possibility of loving ourselves (right here, right now) for trying our best, despite our failures along the way.
What a lot of men struggle with is that presence and self-love don’t come from being “improved”. They come from being here, and staying with what is happening in the body, in the nervous system, and in the heart. Not as problems to be solved, but as a reality to be met.
The truth is, you can’t love that perfect future version of yourself, because that future never arrives. There is always another standard, another upgrade, another way you are still falling short. Loving that version keeps love permanently out of reach.
The only self you can love is the one that exists now. The one who still reacts. The one who still gets scared. The one who still wants reassurance, rest, and connection. Not as a reward for progress, but as a condition for being human.
When spiritual perfection becomes the goal, love turns conditional. It is withheld until behavior improves, emotions stabilize, and reactions disappear. And the cost of that bargain is steep. You trade presence for performance, humanity for an ideal, and relationship for self-surveillance.
Healing was never meant to make you spotless.
It was meant to make you available.
Available to yourself. Available to others. Available to this moment, exactly as it is, without waiting to become someone else first.
If your healing requires you to stop being human in order to be worthy of love, it isn’t healing. It’s just another way of abandoning yourself with fancier language.
poem by Hafiz
